Why doesn’t anybody scrutinize, analyze, decimate, make sweeping generalizations of Indian Male Personal Blogs?
Why deny the men, such simple pleasures, I say?! What kind of gender discrimination is this? :)
Hmmm…
May be I will take up their cause and do my little analysis! Can I have the nominations please, I don’t seem to know, too many of them! :)
I have been wondering, why is that some Bloggers get more singled out than the others, in this whole lets analyze Blogs/ Blogger’s game! And I have reached the conclusion that the more anonymous you are, the more of a soft target you are…
Now anonymity is empowering for many women Bloggers, you could be Bimbo-like, Bridget-like, Bimbo-Bridget like, etc. One doesn’t need to be very Blog image conscious that way… On the flipside, it also puts them at higher risk from freaks and psychos. Because when people don’t know you at all, they think, that they can get away saying anything… (The whole, people are strange, when you are a stranger thing)
Now Smug Bug sounds like she could be lesbian, uses Fair and Lovely, is bimbette like etc… But, if for instance, I were Samyuktha, I wouldn’t be any of that. I might actually pass of as an intelligent and even exotic sort! Having said that, anonymity is a choice one makes and one lives with all the associated discomforts!
Though, one mustn’t mess with people who have anonymous handles, no way of knowing, who they might actually be?! I mean, I could be your mom, wife, boss, maid, whatever! :)
Now on a more positive side of this newspaper debut of mine, my family is mostly happy. My mom is rather excited! I told her to stop telling people that, Smug Bug got mentioned in the newspaper! I told her, the write-up wasn’t exactly complimentary. ‘So, what?’ she says, ‘It’s a lesson for you!’ I chose not to ask her, what the lesson was! I am guessing, even if I made it to the newspaper under the classifieds say obituaries even (even though it is apid for among other things!), my mom will be fairly positive about it! :)
While, I am on morbid things like obituaries and death, I finally managed to catch up on Mangal Pandey this week. Since, almost everyone knows how bad it is, I will spare you the details. But, there is a certain perverse pleasure that one can derive in watching a movie that you can crib about later, isn’t it? I read somewhere that as part of some research for the character she plays, Amisha Patel read, ‘White Mughals – William Dalrymple’ (perhaps because the books has as its center-piece this clandestine relationship between James Kirksomething and Khair, a Hyderabadi princess) Really, so much effort for a poor girl, Cruel cruel producers!
It would have been kinder to get her to read the script of the movie instead! The movie credits said, Thank you Kiron Kher. They might have also added the two heroines to the Thank You list!
I am told Aamir Khan had a Blog even, as part of promoting the movie, Hmmm. With many many hits to its site… well I suppose, it doesn’t take too much to have a successful Blog, a successful movie is more tough. Though, the skill required is much the same na, that of story-telling?
Of course, the fact that one doesn’t pay to read Blogs, makes us more tolerant to it. Which makes me wonder, what if people start charging you to read their Blogs? Would you want to read them? Which ones? I suppose, one could then buy into a site like DesiPundit, showcasing some of the good posts doing the rounds. I think, its one of the few places where “personal type posts” are not a bad phrase?! How cool is that? Finally, it would seem that It’s okay to talk about one’s non existent life and not always life altering thoughts! :) I mean, much as an insight into, ‘Shalimar the Clown’ sounds interesting, I am more than happy to read The Guardian, to figure out what they say. It’s just that, you read Blogs in a fairly random fashion and you might never reach the right site and right post on something as important as this.
At least, that how I read Blogs. I think, I read a fair number of them. More than the ones I have Blogrollled. The ones on my list are the only ones that I admit to reading! :)
Actually, I don’t know, when this happened, but this whole Blogging has become such an act of much social dynamics! But seriously, it can get pretty bad. I suppose, Blogrolls can be based on the, ‘Love me and my Dog phenomenon’ (sorry, I can’t keep dogs out of my posts it seems!). So, if you like to read my Blog, then there is a good chance that you might also like to read the ones who are there on my list. Some people, might be suffering from early bout of Alzhemir’s, so the Blogroll acts as a reminder for themselves to go and check some Blogs. Some people are nice, you love me and I love you back theory – that says, will blogroll you if you blogroll me! There might be other ways to arrive at the list, like fabulous writing, great issues, and thoughts that make you pause, etc. But I don’t think that is how I arrived at my list.
At the first level, I think I picked Blogs that I understand (most of the times, at least) and that are fun in both form and content. Post that hygiene level requirement, I chose them basis few considerations:
Stuti: Though, Blogs only when the planets align in a certain way, had to be included given family type connections!
Ostrich and Oxy_Moron: As my only friends who know I blog, and I know who Blogs, have to be included, right?!
Kumari: Who is almost neighbour also needs to be part of the list
eM: Now, everyone, needs one celebrity connection. So, you know, the only Personal Celebrity Blogger!
Rat, RT and Lavi: Because they are fun people, and you know parochial city bonding!
Mint Chutney, KOTS and Paddy: To give my blogroll a semblance of intelligence!
Pleomorphous: Because, he keeps me posted on a common acquaintance! :)
Vignesh, Gvenum and Sagnik: I don’t quite remember how! Actually, to take away from the lesbian focus of my Blog! :D And they are all funny, most of the times!
Now, there are few others I think I ought to include, but its laziness that stops me! But, how complex this all is? What happens, when Ossie, Pleomorphous and KOTS announce Blogging retirement, do you gently knock them out then? No, you keep them. Not because you are the sentimental types, but one of the things that one learns is that people always come back! :) Not just in Blogs, otherwise too! It’s okay, when Bloggers make a comeback! When people in your life do that, it’s not a really good feeling! And while I am hardly a follower of Urdu type poetry, a lose translation of Faiz Ahmed Faiz seems appropriate here, ‘That which then was ours, my love, don't ask me for that love again.’
Anyway, I digress…
If that is not enough, there is the order in which you place the Blogs also, that becomes critical. Some people are nice, and do so alphabetically, some random, some basis when updated etc. Not a believer in niceties, I have my own formula of placing the Blogs, which is even more complex than the Duckworth-Lewis formula! :) So, I will spare the details…
Oh and before some psycho jumps on me, and tells me I am dedicating too much time thinking about Blogging, I ask you to stop. I am not just the Bridget from Bimbodom, I am a very bored one at that!
Coming back to movies, I also saw, ‘Bunty aur Bubbly’, as India Today christens Abhishek Bachchan the Rising Prince; it seemed appropriate that I watch some movie of his. My mom who always has a thing or two to comment on popular culture told me that now that AB Junior is wearing his Cow Belt like roots as a badge, he has achieved more success. Since, the movie is for the most part set in North Indian towns and with occasional references to his Allahabadi roots, AB junior has hit mainstream. Which is not really true, considering the various Khan men portray foreign educated, metropolitan city bred men and have been more/ if not as successful. But one doesn’t argue with mom, when she says to make it big in television it has to be all Gujarati and in films, it must be all UP. However, that apart, I didn’t think the movie was too great, I somehow felt that too much was left to the audience's imagination. I suppose it didn’t help that my mom insisted all the songs be fast-forwarded!
Actually, I began writing this post as a Thank You, for all the comments on my previous post and also the few of you who wrote me emails! I somehow thought that individual replies were too much effort! Writing a post is anyway easier… So, before I forget - Thanks much all!
Somewhat unrelated, the post title reminds me of a wonderful poem by Erich Fried, by the same name:
Suddenly
I am
so tired
of my tirelessness
that it occurs to me
that you must
have been tired
of it
for a long time.
PS: Of course, the poem was added in a desperate attempt to portray self as well read and of good taste person. So, that I can soon move out of Bimbodom!
Monday, August 29, 2005
Thursday, August 25, 2005
We are like this (w)only...
Ah finally it happens! I get national press coverage! :) As in, not me but, ‘The SmugBug’ does!
*Bows to applause*
Thank you Kanika G! Oooh, and my favourite ugly bird gets a mention too! Very very nice…
In case, you are wondering, what this is all about, let me guide you to the Blogs of eM and Rat, as we get christened, “Bimbodom's New Bridgets”! :) Why not Charlie's Angels or something I wonder…
Anyway in a case of some sweeping generalizations, she says…
Chick-clicks worldwide have all the qualities of their predecessors. She suffers from an acute attention-seeking disorder. She is perennially single and single-mindedly self-indulgent. She is grammatically challenged and confuses similes with punctuation. Yet, her candour is seen as "fresh". Her directness has a lot to do with the medium she writes in. She's the Internet's answer to reality TV, with a lot more sex thrown in. Desperate Housewives can rev up the raunchiness quotient. Bridget Jones will put on extra calories just thinking about it. The chick-click scores because she's real, not made up.
So, I suffer from an acute attention-seeking disorder?
True, true. Though, given how sad my life usually is, I manage to get attention from all the wrong kind of birds! Like right now from you. And besides, one must always seek what one doesn’t have!
I am perennially single?
Must we add insult to serious injury here? Though, is that like a curse, I wonder? I am a great believer in curses, I know many of the ones that I hurl at people, have come true even…
I am grammatically challenged?
Yes, grammar is just one of the many things that my rather limited intellect finds a problem. Though most of the times, I do manage to frame sentences. But then, like you mention I am schizophrenic, so occasionally I slip. And besides do you even understand the enormity of the effort it takes to marry, ‘Sex and the City’ with ‘Kyonki Saas Bhi…’
I am the Internet’s answer to Reality TV, with a lot more sex thrown in?!
Ooooh! I am finally the answer to something! Who knows, may be we can develop business model around it. This becoming a Blog Millionaire is anyway an appealing idea! :)
And ya, sex is what gets people to my Blog. My faithful site tracker informs me, very reliably at that, many people come to my Blog looking for, ‘Sex with Malika Sherawat’! Who are these people, I wonder?
And of course to add much legitimacy to one’s analysis, we MUST quote some of the incisive observations made by KTW (aka Kill the women)!
"Westernized women, have always been the cause of all problems. They make for bad daughters...wives... mothers. Just because they earn some money and are able to snap their fingers at a certain type of man they tend to assume too much of a misplaced sense of superiority."
Compulsive confessor has patented a brand of "semi dressed status and high drunkenness."
Smugbug, "Must be one of those dark-skinned south Indian chicks who uses Fair and Lovely on the sly."
He sums up: "I am just saying that these are a few examples of popular women who need to be publicly lynched as opposed to being indulgent to."
I really don’t make that kind of money, you know. We Researchers are a poorly paid breed of people. I am yet to meet that ‘certain’ type of man who will respond dutifully when I snap fingers! Actually I don’t do too much of finger snapping (so busy keeping them crossed), may be that is my problem. Let me try this as well! :)
Oh and I am not sure, what might be the problem? That I am South Indian? That I am dark-skinned? That I use FAL on the sly? I also use Colgate Gel to brush my teeth, is that a problem too, I wonder?
You know why, unlike Klein, the Indian chick clicks have not outed themselves yet.
Ah, the power punch – the closure! But, outed? That would mean? Given, general intellectual and grammar challengedness, I am unable to comprehend! Or wait, did you mean, outdone? As in, our best is yet to come?
And Bimbodom, is what? Is it like a subset of Blogdom? Or is it like a sisterhood/ cult/ an all new world order? May be like Klu Klux Klan or something! Are you outside this Bimbodom and looking at us longingly? Or are you somewhere up there (having reached the state of Self Actualization, in the Maslow’s Needs State hierarchy) and looking down at us most disdainfully? If it’s the former, you know how to become one of us – bad grammar, seek attention, Kiss and tell, blah blah. If it’s the latter, well, Yay you! Pick worthier causes to write about the next time. Like, ‘How safe are the buildings in Mumbai?’ or some such. And if you must critique writing, please let it be Rushdie! You will be doing great service to people...
Oh and this pre-occupation with Ms Bridget Jones, Why? Of course, I enjoyed most of the book when I read it and related to it in bits (emotional fuckwittage, for one!), but I am not her. I don’t obsess about my weight, though god knows that I should! But, I don’t. In fact, I a quite happy with excess adipose, even though it doesn’t give me any! I am not Neurotic I don’t draw my lessons from self-help books. My mom is quirky in a nice way, but not dysfunctional like Bridget’s mom. I don’t have a boss that looks like Hugh Grant. In fact, I have not had any male boss till now! And most importantly and very cruelly, there is no Colin Firth waiting for me somewhere to buy me a New Diary!
I am single like Bridget, that’s the commonality, so I suppose one mustn’t say you are completely inaccurate. What do they say about, giving the devil… Not to suggest, you are a devil! You know single people have the following options:
1) To make peace with their singleton status and conclude beyond all doubt that the dual universe theory is flawed
2) To keep looking. Like they say, Try, try, try again! And what better place to try, than the Internet – the haven for all psychos and like minded losers!
3) To pretend not to look. The, ‘What you don’t want, you will get…’ adage! Of course, one needs to carefully weigh the opportunity costs involved!
4) To overcome loneliness et al by adopting dog. Dogs are Singletons best friends!
5) To oscillate between looking for man and looking for dog! (Often leading to confusing criteria on what dog’s characteristics ought to be, and what man’s characteristics ought to be!)
So, I am Number 5, I think. Cynical enough to want a dog and unable to totally give up on the oft celebrated Happy Cliché!
Is not such a bad thing, is it?
Actually, I don’t get the point. So, she doesn’t like my Blog. Which is okay, most of the times I don’t like it either. And free world, free speech and all of that.
But personal attacks are in bad taste, right? And, why bring Hawk into this? Is she the Hawk? An accomplice? Does she subscribe to his view? Is The Hawk, an authority on Women Blogger’s? How credible does your piece seem when you quote a deranged, psycho, sexist, racist loser?
Also makes me wonder, how does the, ‘Birds of same feather…’ thing work here?
Though, on the positive side is this…
Now, that National media has made it common knowledge that I am on the lookout for Studly Mallu I-Banker, I am hoping that my Happy Cliché is around the corner. Sure beats the Classifieds, nothing like having the stamp of approval from a Journalist! Okay, I would rather have had Barkha Dutt do that on Primetime TV, but Beggars can't be choosers, can they?!
All you people, who were wondering if I was run over by my driver, will be glad to know that I am alive, well and in general good spirits! :)
*Bows to applause*
Thank you Kanika G! Oooh, and my favourite ugly bird gets a mention too! Very very nice…
In case, you are wondering, what this is all about, let me guide you to the Blogs of eM and Rat, as we get christened, “Bimbodom's New Bridgets”! :) Why not Charlie's Angels or something I wonder…
Anyway in a case of some sweeping generalizations, she says…
Chick-clicks worldwide have all the qualities of their predecessors. She suffers from an acute attention-seeking disorder. She is perennially single and single-mindedly self-indulgent. She is grammatically challenged and confuses similes with punctuation. Yet, her candour is seen as "fresh". Her directness has a lot to do with the medium she writes in. She's the Internet's answer to reality TV, with a lot more sex thrown in. Desperate Housewives can rev up the raunchiness quotient. Bridget Jones will put on extra calories just thinking about it. The chick-click scores because she's real, not made up.
So, I suffer from an acute attention-seeking disorder?
True, true. Though, given how sad my life usually is, I manage to get attention from all the wrong kind of birds! Like right now from you. And besides, one must always seek what one doesn’t have!
I am perennially single?
Must we add insult to serious injury here? Though, is that like a curse, I wonder? I am a great believer in curses, I know many of the ones that I hurl at people, have come true even…
I am grammatically challenged?
Yes, grammar is just one of the many things that my rather limited intellect finds a problem. Though most of the times, I do manage to frame sentences. But then, like you mention I am schizophrenic, so occasionally I slip. And besides do you even understand the enormity of the effort it takes to marry, ‘Sex and the City’ with ‘Kyonki Saas Bhi…’
I am the Internet’s answer to Reality TV, with a lot more sex thrown in?!
Ooooh! I am finally the answer to something! Who knows, may be we can develop business model around it. This becoming a Blog Millionaire is anyway an appealing idea! :)
And ya, sex is what gets people to my Blog. My faithful site tracker informs me, very reliably at that, many people come to my Blog looking for, ‘Sex with Malika Sherawat’! Who are these people, I wonder?
And of course to add much legitimacy to one’s analysis, we MUST quote some of the incisive observations made by KTW (aka Kill the women)!
"Westernized women, have always been the cause of all problems. They make for bad daughters...wives... mothers. Just because they earn some money and are able to snap their fingers at a certain type of man they tend to assume too much of a misplaced sense of superiority."
Compulsive confessor has patented a brand of "semi dressed status and high drunkenness."
Smugbug, "Must be one of those dark-skinned south Indian chicks who uses Fair and Lovely on the sly."
He sums up: "I am just saying that these are a few examples of popular women who need to be publicly lynched as opposed to being indulgent to."
I really don’t make that kind of money, you know. We Researchers are a poorly paid breed of people. I am yet to meet that ‘certain’ type of man who will respond dutifully when I snap fingers! Actually I don’t do too much of finger snapping (so busy keeping them crossed), may be that is my problem. Let me try this as well! :)
Oh and I am not sure, what might be the problem? That I am South Indian? That I am dark-skinned? That I use FAL on the sly? I also use Colgate Gel to brush my teeth, is that a problem too, I wonder?
You know why, unlike Klein, the Indian chick clicks have not outed themselves yet.
Ah, the power punch – the closure! But, outed? That would mean? Given, general intellectual and grammar challengedness, I am unable to comprehend! Or wait, did you mean, outdone? As in, our best is yet to come?
And Bimbodom, is what? Is it like a subset of Blogdom? Or is it like a sisterhood/ cult/ an all new world order? May be like Klu Klux Klan or something! Are you outside this Bimbodom and looking at us longingly? Or are you somewhere up there (having reached the state of Self Actualization, in the Maslow’s Needs State hierarchy) and looking down at us most disdainfully? If it’s the former, you know how to become one of us – bad grammar, seek attention, Kiss and tell, blah blah. If it’s the latter, well, Yay you! Pick worthier causes to write about the next time. Like, ‘How safe are the buildings in Mumbai?’ or some such. And if you must critique writing, please let it be Rushdie! You will be doing great service to people...
Oh and this pre-occupation with Ms Bridget Jones, Why? Of course, I enjoyed most of the book when I read it and related to it in bits (emotional fuckwittage, for one!), but I am not her. I don’t obsess about my weight, though god knows that I should! But, I don’t. In fact, I a quite happy with excess adipose, even though it doesn’t give me any! I am not Neurotic I don’t draw my lessons from self-help books. My mom is quirky in a nice way, but not dysfunctional like Bridget’s mom. I don’t have a boss that looks like Hugh Grant. In fact, I have not had any male boss till now! And most importantly and very cruelly, there is no Colin Firth waiting for me somewhere to buy me a New Diary!
I am single like Bridget, that’s the commonality, so I suppose one mustn’t say you are completely inaccurate. What do they say about, giving the devil… Not to suggest, you are a devil! You know single people have the following options:
1) To make peace with their singleton status and conclude beyond all doubt that the dual universe theory is flawed
2) To keep looking. Like they say, Try, try, try again! And what better place to try, than the Internet – the haven for all psychos and like minded losers!
3) To pretend not to look. The, ‘What you don’t want, you will get…’ adage! Of course, one needs to carefully weigh the opportunity costs involved!
4) To overcome loneliness et al by adopting dog. Dogs are Singletons best friends!
5) To oscillate between looking for man and looking for dog! (Often leading to confusing criteria on what dog’s characteristics ought to be, and what man’s characteristics ought to be!)
So, I am Number 5, I think. Cynical enough to want a dog and unable to totally give up on the oft celebrated Happy Cliché!
Is not such a bad thing, is it?
Actually, I don’t get the point. So, she doesn’t like my Blog. Which is okay, most of the times I don’t like it either. And free world, free speech and all of that.
But personal attacks are in bad taste, right? And, why bring Hawk into this? Is she the Hawk? An accomplice? Does she subscribe to his view? Is The Hawk, an authority on Women Blogger’s? How credible does your piece seem when you quote a deranged, psycho, sexist, racist loser?
Also makes me wonder, how does the, ‘Birds of same feather…’ thing work here?
Though, on the positive side is this…
Now, that National media has made it common knowledge that I am on the lookout for Studly Mallu I-Banker, I am hoping that my Happy Cliché is around the corner. Sure beats the Classifieds, nothing like having the stamp of approval from a Journalist! Okay, I would rather have had Barkha Dutt do that on Primetime TV, but Beggars can't be choosers, can they?!
All you people, who were wondering if I was run over by my driver, will be glad to know that I am alive, well and in general good spirits! :)
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Driving Miss Daisy...
I have been on a nationwide hunt for a driver and its been unbelievable how tough it has been to find one in this city!
Between my mom and me, we had this rather comprehensive list of traits – demographic as well psychographic that the said animal needed to possess!
Mom’s List
1) Must hold driver’s license AND photograph in license must closely resemble the actual person! :)
2) Must be middle-aged (Read 40 to 45 years old). Not young enough for darling daughter to run away with. Not old enough for darling daughter to run away with driver’s son.
3) Must not, ‘Drink and Drive’. Ma was very impressed with the Chennai Traffic Police advertising that went, ‘Devdas didn’t drive’
Bug’s List
1) Should not be chatty. I am no snob, but I don’t like chatty drivers. The sheer effort required moving jaw and synchronizing with signals from brain discussing weather and local politics is way too much effort! (Okay, so to some people it might look like, I am looking for an anti-social variety person, mirroring personality of self)
2) Should answer all questions asked by self. Now Rule No. 1 doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t talk, no sir, he must. Now, I won’t seek an ‘opinion’ from my driver, but most certainly will seek ‘information’. For example, ‘Is there enough Petrol?’ would be information. ‘Should we fill Petrol now?’ would be an opinion. Of course, answers must be given with the use of minimum words and be as factual as possible.
3) Should not bond with other drivers. Drivers typically know all the things that happen in one’s life. You know how people discuss money, relationships, workplace woes etc inside their cars. And drivers like to gloat/ scandalize other drivers. If one driver knows a bit of information, the chances that many others might come to know that, increase manifold! It’s bad enough that, friends, family, fellow bloggers, colleagues, neighbours, etc. know that I have no life. The Driver’s Association needn’t know that now!
4) Should not be suffering from Body Odour. Now, before you jump the gun, I do make a strong case for personal hygiene. Well groomed drivers will be useful. They can pass off as dad, brother, grandfather and other significant male in life of self. No BO and no Hawai Chappals seemed like a good starting point.
Now having compiled this rather smallish list, I circulated the same among friends, family, colleague and other sundry people. While the response was not ‘overwhelming’, I did get a fair number of ‘prospects’.
First candidate to be interviewed was Ulhas, straight from Cuttack, Orissa! Now don’t get me wrong - I like Orissa. I like this sweetmeat they make called Manda (its sooji ka halwa, stuffed with some high calorie dry-fruits, made into balls and fried). I like Orissa type clothes, even though they are obscenely expensive. My boss is Oriya, nice lady too. But, Oriya driver? Here in Chennai?
Anyway, Ma instantly disapproved of him, given that he looked no older than 23, though claimed to be 31. Me and my mom briefly contemplated if certain communities tend to be well-preserved but decided, that might not be the case! Also, between his Oriya accented Hindi and Ma’s Tamil accented Hindi, I had a tough time following the conversation. We also learnt that his past skills included driving a Tractor and he had come to Chennai to get accent training to join call centre back in Bhubaneshwar! So, we decided that he might not be the one, after all.
Just about having recovered from Mr U, the next candidate was thrown at us, from a little further up North, Bihar! So, we had Surinder from the Laloo land. Now, obviously my clause 3 of should not bond with other drivers, is what was leading to this, only Bihari and Oriya driver in all of Chennai being flicked at me. So, anyway Surinder came with license that was assigned by RTO Patna. Now, I am not parochial person, I think Biharis are nice. I went to a Post Graduate college, which had 90% Biharis (that I didn’t complete the course is a different thing). My former room-mate was girl from Bihar, so you know… But, if I don’t trust the local governmental machinery there, you must pardon me! Then of course, he was not able to lie to us very convincingly, as in he said, he was 23. Now, he looked about 38, so it was strange. Then he told us, that he might be 25 or 26, he really wasn’t sure. Obviously, my mom gave him a cup of tea and packed him off.
Of course, this wasn’t working… We needed to add – Clause 5: Local boy only. So that we can do a credentials check and he doesn’t board the train to Patna one fine day.
Now, how difficult can it be to get a driver who is a local person and who would have the pleasure of chauffeuring me around? Finally, prayers were answered and Quick Gun Murugan was sent to us. My mom interviewed him and informed me, ‘He is 28. Is a BE EEE. He speaks English and Tamil. He seems more appropriate as husband than driver!’
Of course, which is why I have always maintained, don’t do all these complex type Engineering Courses in life. I mean a driving school at Rs 2000 and 4 weeks is a smarter option! :)
This is no way, being derogatory towards engineers. I hold them in highest regard, almost as much as Biharis and just after the Oriyas! :)
Should not be professionally qualified was added as Clause 6!
Anyway, like they say, you find things when you stop looking for it. Just when we had relegated the Bug Household Driver Hunt to some obscure corner, Salim surfaced!
Yes, that’s the man, who has been given the much honored and exalted position! There were couple of things that worked for him, for one, the name. My mom thinks Salim sounds most trustworthy and loyal types. Don’t ask me how or why, because I fail to see, that he has the Mughal India connect which makes my mom being a former History teacher, happy must be the case. It might, also have something to do with the fact that, Salim sounds like the Hindi movie nice character artist person.
Of course, more than the name was the fact that his past employer was a doctor. Now, doctors besides occasionally giving you wrong medication can’t go too wrong in Mom’s Little Book. Considering that they are closest people who come to god, they are treated with reverence. And so Salim has been employed! The hunt ends, and now to see if expectations are fulfilled!
However, the process has made one learn some valuable lessons:
• Be branded a parochial, but go local
• Chennai is the new face of cosmopolitan India
• All Engineers are failed drivers
Between my mom and me, we had this rather comprehensive list of traits – demographic as well psychographic that the said animal needed to possess!
Mom’s List
1) Must hold driver’s license AND photograph in license must closely resemble the actual person! :)
2) Must be middle-aged (Read 40 to 45 years old). Not young enough for darling daughter to run away with. Not old enough for darling daughter to run away with driver’s son.
3) Must not, ‘Drink and Drive’. Ma was very impressed with the Chennai Traffic Police advertising that went, ‘Devdas didn’t drive’
Bug’s List
1) Should not be chatty. I am no snob, but I don’t like chatty drivers. The sheer effort required moving jaw and synchronizing with signals from brain discussing weather and local politics is way too much effort! (Okay, so to some people it might look like, I am looking for an anti-social variety person, mirroring personality of self)
2) Should answer all questions asked by self. Now Rule No. 1 doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t talk, no sir, he must. Now, I won’t seek an ‘opinion’ from my driver, but most certainly will seek ‘information’. For example, ‘Is there enough Petrol?’ would be information. ‘Should we fill Petrol now?’ would be an opinion. Of course, answers must be given with the use of minimum words and be as factual as possible.
3) Should not bond with other drivers. Drivers typically know all the things that happen in one’s life. You know how people discuss money, relationships, workplace woes etc inside their cars. And drivers like to gloat/ scandalize other drivers. If one driver knows a bit of information, the chances that many others might come to know that, increase manifold! It’s bad enough that, friends, family, fellow bloggers, colleagues, neighbours, etc. know that I have no life. The Driver’s Association needn’t know that now!
4) Should not be suffering from Body Odour. Now, before you jump the gun, I do make a strong case for personal hygiene. Well groomed drivers will be useful. They can pass off as dad, brother, grandfather and other significant male in life of self. No BO and no Hawai Chappals seemed like a good starting point.
Now having compiled this rather smallish list, I circulated the same among friends, family, colleague and other sundry people. While the response was not ‘overwhelming’, I did get a fair number of ‘prospects’.
First candidate to be interviewed was Ulhas, straight from Cuttack, Orissa! Now don’t get me wrong - I like Orissa. I like this sweetmeat they make called Manda (its sooji ka halwa, stuffed with some high calorie dry-fruits, made into balls and fried). I like Orissa type clothes, even though they are obscenely expensive. My boss is Oriya, nice lady too. But, Oriya driver? Here in Chennai?
Anyway, Ma instantly disapproved of him, given that he looked no older than 23, though claimed to be 31. Me and my mom briefly contemplated if certain communities tend to be well-preserved but decided, that might not be the case! Also, between his Oriya accented Hindi and Ma’s Tamil accented Hindi, I had a tough time following the conversation. We also learnt that his past skills included driving a Tractor and he had come to Chennai to get accent training to join call centre back in Bhubaneshwar! So, we decided that he might not be the one, after all.
Just about having recovered from Mr U, the next candidate was thrown at us, from a little further up North, Bihar! So, we had Surinder from the Laloo land. Now, obviously my clause 3 of should not bond with other drivers, is what was leading to this, only Bihari and Oriya driver in all of Chennai being flicked at me. So, anyway Surinder came with license that was assigned by RTO Patna. Now, I am not parochial person, I think Biharis are nice. I went to a Post Graduate college, which had 90% Biharis (that I didn’t complete the course is a different thing). My former room-mate was girl from Bihar, so you know… But, if I don’t trust the local governmental machinery there, you must pardon me! Then of course, he was not able to lie to us very convincingly, as in he said, he was 23. Now, he looked about 38, so it was strange. Then he told us, that he might be 25 or 26, he really wasn’t sure. Obviously, my mom gave him a cup of tea and packed him off.
Of course, this wasn’t working… We needed to add – Clause 5: Local boy only. So that we can do a credentials check and he doesn’t board the train to Patna one fine day.
Now, how difficult can it be to get a driver who is a local person and who would have the pleasure of chauffeuring me around? Finally, prayers were answered and Quick Gun Murugan was sent to us. My mom interviewed him and informed me, ‘He is 28. Is a BE EEE. He speaks English and Tamil. He seems more appropriate as husband than driver!’
Of course, which is why I have always maintained, don’t do all these complex type Engineering Courses in life. I mean a driving school at Rs 2000 and 4 weeks is a smarter option! :)
This is no way, being derogatory towards engineers. I hold them in highest regard, almost as much as Biharis and just after the Oriyas! :)
Should not be professionally qualified was added as Clause 6!
Anyway, like they say, you find things when you stop looking for it. Just when we had relegated the Bug Household Driver Hunt to some obscure corner, Salim surfaced!
Yes, that’s the man, who has been given the much honored and exalted position! There were couple of things that worked for him, for one, the name. My mom thinks Salim sounds most trustworthy and loyal types. Don’t ask me how or why, because I fail to see, that he has the Mughal India connect which makes my mom being a former History teacher, happy must be the case. It might, also have something to do with the fact that, Salim sounds like the Hindi movie nice character artist person.
Of course, more than the name was the fact that his past employer was a doctor. Now, doctors besides occasionally giving you wrong medication can’t go too wrong in Mom’s Little Book. Considering that they are closest people who come to god, they are treated with reverence. And so Salim has been employed! The hunt ends, and now to see if expectations are fulfilled!
However, the process has made one learn some valuable lessons:
• Be branded a parochial, but go local
• Chennai is the new face of cosmopolitan India
• All Engineers are failed drivers
Deja Vu!
3 Years Ago
He: Hello
She: So, you remembered? :)
He: Remembered what?
She: Well you know…
He: I know what?
She: Hmmm
He: What?
She: So, how come you called?
He: Oh, just wanted to check. When is S’s birthday?
She: Today
2 Years Ago
He: Heyyyyyyyy.
She: Hello. Thank god you remembered at least this time?
He: Remembered what?
She: Remembered to call me, what else?
He: For what? I don’t understand
She: Never Mind!
He: Oh, whatever. So, what do we do for S’s birthday?
She: Why don’t you send her one of those delivered personally musical telegrams?
He: Wow! Ya, cool! That should make her birthday!
1-Year Ago
He: Greetings!
She: *Oh, no again* Salutations!
He: You wont believe it! I missed it again!
She: What exactly did you miss?
He: Why S’s birthday of course! :(
She: Tragedy!
He: Ya, seriously. How do I make it up to her? Please help.
She: Why don’t you write a poem for her?
He: Poem? I cant do that. But hey, you can. Why don’t you write one for me, as in from me to her.
She: I cant do that!
He: Why not? What’s the big deal!
She: Well, it’s MY poem for one!
He: Yup, and I am YOUR friend!
She: I don’t think I want to do that.
He: Sour Grapes, eh! I will get her an iPod!
She: Ya, do that. That might lead to momentary memory loss.
Today
He: Hey, Happy Birthday
She: You mean, Belated?
He: Belated? Oh Shoot!
She: Yup, it was yesterday.
He: This is so weird, I was so sure I wouldn’t miss it this year. Sorry Babe.
She: Its okay. And DON’T Babe me.
He: Anyway, it’s no big deal, right? I have been doing it for years anyway.
She: Yup, true. So, what’s the latest with S?
He: Who S?
She: The iPod one?
He: Man, am done with high maintenance ones for this lifetime.
She: Oh, really? Like Harry tells Sally, ‘The worst kind of women are the ones who are high maintenance but think they are low maintenance!’ :)
He: So, who is this Sally chick?
Gah!
He: Hello
She: So, you remembered? :)
He: Remembered what?
She: Well you know…
He: I know what?
She: Hmmm
He: What?
She: So, how come you called?
He: Oh, just wanted to check. When is S’s birthday?
She: Today
2 Years Ago
He: Heyyyyyyyy.
She: Hello. Thank god you remembered at least this time?
He: Remembered what?
She: Remembered to call me, what else?
He: For what? I don’t understand
She: Never Mind!
He: Oh, whatever. So, what do we do for S’s birthday?
She: Why don’t you send her one of those delivered personally musical telegrams?
He: Wow! Ya, cool! That should make her birthday!
1-Year Ago
He: Greetings!
She: *Oh, no again* Salutations!
He: You wont believe it! I missed it again!
She: What exactly did you miss?
He: Why S’s birthday of course! :(
She: Tragedy!
He: Ya, seriously. How do I make it up to her? Please help.
She: Why don’t you write a poem for her?
He: Poem? I cant do that. But hey, you can. Why don’t you write one for me, as in from me to her.
She: I cant do that!
He: Why not? What’s the big deal!
She: Well, it’s MY poem for one!
He: Yup, and I am YOUR friend!
She: I don’t think I want to do that.
He: Sour Grapes, eh! I will get her an iPod!
She: Ya, do that. That might lead to momentary memory loss.
Today
He: Hey, Happy Birthday
She: You mean, Belated?
He: Belated? Oh Shoot!
She: Yup, it was yesterday.
He: This is so weird, I was so sure I wouldn’t miss it this year. Sorry Babe.
She: Its okay. And DON’T Babe me.
He: Anyway, it’s no big deal, right? I have been doing it for years anyway.
She: Yup, true. So, what’s the latest with S?
He: Who S?
She: The iPod one?
He: Man, am done with high maintenance ones for this lifetime.
She: Oh, really? Like Harry tells Sally, ‘The worst kind of women are the ones who are high maintenance but think they are low maintenance!’ :)
He: So, who is this Sally chick?
Gah!
Friday, August 12, 2005
Tryst with Destiny...
After much bloodshed can we move to other morose things now? :)
Okay, so I turn another year older, and as the day approaches I get just a little anxious. No, its not about getting vain about becoming older and wondering if its time to start using Anti-Cellulite cream! It’s also not about wondering where to take friends out and who all should be left out, and who all be combined; given general complex dynamics that are involved. It’s also not about the fact that the Quarter-life crisis seems like such a thing of the past…
There are various other reasons that they make me anxious…
For one, almost everyone will ask you in that most expectant tone, ‘So, what plans?’ And frankly, I never have any plans. And I can’t even rave and rant with moral indignation a la Valentine Day conspiracy here. I mean, it’s MY birthday and I ought to have plans.
Also, birthdays are the time for taking stock, making plans, promising to be all spanking new and much improved. But you know how good intentions very often tend to have very little life span and after a while they get relegated to long-term memory.
Of course, these plans could be either outer-driven in form of expectations from others or inner-driven.
Outer-driven ones are what your parents, siblings, friends, dog, ambiguous/ can’t be classified in any category people tell you should be life-purpose.
Mom: Now would be the time to start behaving like an adult. You are not a child any longer. (She has been saying that since I turned 15)
Brother: Now, I think you should start investing in Mutual Funds! (:O)
Friend 1: This year don’t fall for imminently unsuitable man. Next birthday you must be Smug, believer of dual universe!
Friend 2: Time to stop looking for moron man. This should be the year of Inner Poise.
Neighbour: This year we want to see more of you!
And so on… totally lofty demands that self is unable to fulfill!
Then of course there are self-goals…
- Shall become the after of a Before-after campaign!
- Shall become much lady-like in manner of walking, talking and generally conducting self
- Shall increase bank balance by at least 60% of current balance through well-planned savings
- Shall not do bad voodoo and secretly curse people who cause me temporary harm
- Shall learn one new art-form this year
- Shall begin yoga and other inner zen and diva like activities
- Shall try to make sense of my salary break-up when man from accounts department patiently explains and not wonder if I should hop across the street and get some chocolate dessert
- Shall not think of chocolate as an antidote for broken heart, moron colleague, broken heart, commitment-phobic man, broken heart, etc.
- Shall throw away clothes that I don’t fit into or have not worn in the last ten years
- Shall go visit loving aunt before next birthday (who lives in same city)
- Shall not get bothered and keep checking my cell-phone when “significant interest” in life doesn’t respond in 20 seconds of my message
- Shall be very mature about ‘significant interest’s’ love interest and give well-meaning advice
- Shall not feel sorry for self - I am a cool person, so what if I say so myself
- Shall not look suspiciously at person who gives compliments
- Shall not be cynical about people. Shall learn to make peace with the fact that people might actually be nice!
- Shall stop looking for man. When I stop looking, I will find him!
And some more…
The report card sadly, doesn’t make for a very pretty picture! :(
1. I think I look even more “before” of a Before-after campaign than I did any time before. Which is really not my fault, I mean when we don’t refer to some absolute time, then it becomes tough!
2. Lady like qualities remains elusive! In fact, I am like Scarlett O’Hara who says, ‘Someday I shall be a lady!’. It has to wait for few more birthdays I think! (She didn’t manage after a 1000 something pages, it took a sequel) :)
3. Bank-balance has shown alarming depletion. The more I try to save, the more I end up spending. It’s a strange economic phenomenon, which I need to observe carefully!
4. Well I don’t mean to do voodoo and curse people, but have found that it remains cathartic
5. Is sarcasm an art form I wonder? But, I didn’t learn it just now did I, just the experience curve catching up! :)
6. Tried being nice about ‘significant interest’s’ love interest, but eventually sour grapes are what I like best! And that explains the chocolate, to overcome the bad after-taste! :)
7. Have stopped looking for man, but trouble comes looking for you and how does one avoid it when you have a masochistic streak that is a mile long!
8. And you can imagine, all of the others don’t look pretty too…
Along more positive lines…
- I got a promotion this year! (Which I would have to, given my sheer virtue of having hung around in an industry with high employee iteration!)
- Bought a car this year (Of course, got it home is more like it, with 2 years of EMI looming large!)
- Started a Blog (even if saying that confirms some people’s opinion that I am a loser), but its been mostly fun barring minor irritants. I have enjoyed all the things that I have told her till now! :)
- I have re-discovered the joys of reading poetry
So not so bad after all and in this rare flash of positive thinking and the like says, “there is only one way to go from here!” :)
So, will set myself the same set of lofty goals of monumental change in personality and the like…
While on birthdays, I have always had very mixed feelings about the fact that it fell on a National holiday.
Till I was 12 years old, I loved it! I loved the fact that right after the Flag Hoisting and the march past, when all of us sang with much feeling, ‘Hindi hai Hum, Vatan Hai… Hindustan hamara. Sare Jahan…’ (Without quite understanding what it really meant, but feeling that slight lump in throat) the Principal would announce ‘Smug Bug of class IV B is celebrating her birthday today and we must all sing for her.’ I felt very important as the teachers would all wish me, as would all the students, and the didi’s would come and lovingly pull chubby cheeks!
Then you grow up and turn 13. You hate the world. You hate puppy fat. And you hate the silly Didis and the Bhaiyas (You will claim to hate them at any rate! Gah! Hormones!) :)
Needless to say I grew up all my life hearing the most lame jokes (?!) and surprisingly it still continue! :)
… Ah so that was the day you got independence, eh! *Followed by guffaws*
The first time I heard it, I thought it was clever even (please I must have been 8 and had barely understood the freedom notion). Then I heard it and found it mildly amusing. Then it just got irritating and I plastered smile on face. Now, when people don’t tell me that, I wonder if they have forgotten our date with history?! [I think there was a Youth Survey, which happened some years back, where many kids apparently claimed to not know when I-Day was and while I am sure the particular research was ‘tweaked’, but one never knows]
… Ah so everyone gets Samosas and Jalebis on your birthday, no treat na! *Oh I just said something so clever look*
Of course, this was in the times when I studied in schools in small towns of North India. Where the hoisting was followed by Samosas, Jalbei and Rasna! :) I used to think that was the high point. These days, I am not sure that it happens. In fact, most schools hoist their flags a day before. [On the I-Day of a certain neighbour as is often pointed out by the Upholdres of Nationhood!]
… So, will you watch the march past to celebrate birthday? *Oh I am so super-witty look*
I think, people get confused between R-Day and I-Day at times! :)
Anyway, I used to tell them, ‘Na, I will watch Gandhi on DD Metro!’
I think Attenbrough’s genius has been replaced now by the more popular culture cinema of Hum Tum and the like. And if we must get nationalist then it had better be Swades and Lagaan! Ah, the quest for TRP’s! And while, MKG remains my favourite Gandhi, all his ‘failings’ notwithstanding, I think these days I like this mish-mash of pop nationalism! So, Mangal Pandey it shall be this year! :)
Of course, one of the many good things about celebrating birthday on a National holiday is that at least you are no doing the corpo-slob routine!
And of course, there are many many happy memories, like everybody has I suppose…
Like a few years back when Pepsi launched itself in India (Remo Fernandes and Juhi Chawla featuring in the ad remember?) they did so on I-Day (don’t know if they had a symbolic meaning behind that). They asked all those born on I-Day to send across a copy of birth certificate for a surprise gift. It was very exciting, I think I still have that T-shirt somewhere, which says, “Me and Pepsi, born on 15th of August”. A few years down the line, when the pesticide scandal happened, then you put it away somewhere for fear of being seen as an Anti-National! :)
And of course, all my life I grew up with my dad waking me up and telling me, ‘Many happy Returns of the day!’ and giving me two candies (which I would hold on to for dear life, till temptation got the better of me). Of course, I always wondered, why didn’t my parents tell me just Happy Birthday! But, I almost always woke up with a silly smile when I heard that. I think I still do… I still remain this over-grown child!
Well too many memories and a Blog Post hardly does it any justice, but hopefully this year will add some more.
And of course, this year might just be the year! For our beloved nation and me too! :)
Happy Independence Day People, and enjoy the weekend!
Okay, so I turn another year older, and as the day approaches I get just a little anxious. No, its not about getting vain about becoming older and wondering if its time to start using Anti-Cellulite cream! It’s also not about wondering where to take friends out and who all should be left out, and who all be combined; given general complex dynamics that are involved. It’s also not about the fact that the Quarter-life crisis seems like such a thing of the past…
There are various other reasons that they make me anxious…
For one, almost everyone will ask you in that most expectant tone, ‘So, what plans?’ And frankly, I never have any plans. And I can’t even rave and rant with moral indignation a la Valentine Day conspiracy here. I mean, it’s MY birthday and I ought to have plans.
Also, birthdays are the time for taking stock, making plans, promising to be all spanking new and much improved. But you know how good intentions very often tend to have very little life span and after a while they get relegated to long-term memory.
Of course, these plans could be either outer-driven in form of expectations from others or inner-driven.
Outer-driven ones are what your parents, siblings, friends, dog, ambiguous/ can’t be classified in any category people tell you should be life-purpose.
Mom: Now would be the time to start behaving like an adult. You are not a child any longer. (She has been saying that since I turned 15)
Brother: Now, I think you should start investing in Mutual Funds! (:O)
Friend 1: This year don’t fall for imminently unsuitable man. Next birthday you must be Smug, believer of dual universe!
Friend 2: Time to stop looking for moron man. This should be the year of Inner Poise.
Neighbour: This year we want to see more of you!
And so on… totally lofty demands that self is unable to fulfill!
Then of course there are self-goals…
- Shall become the after of a Before-after campaign!
- Shall become much lady-like in manner of walking, talking and generally conducting self
- Shall increase bank balance by at least 60% of current balance through well-planned savings
- Shall not do bad voodoo and secretly curse people who cause me temporary harm
- Shall learn one new art-form this year
- Shall begin yoga and other inner zen and diva like activities
- Shall try to make sense of my salary break-up when man from accounts department patiently explains and not wonder if I should hop across the street and get some chocolate dessert
- Shall not think of chocolate as an antidote for broken heart, moron colleague, broken heart, commitment-phobic man, broken heart, etc.
- Shall throw away clothes that I don’t fit into or have not worn in the last ten years
- Shall go visit loving aunt before next birthday (who lives in same city)
- Shall not get bothered and keep checking my cell-phone when “significant interest” in life doesn’t respond in 20 seconds of my message
- Shall be very mature about ‘significant interest’s’ love interest and give well-meaning advice
- Shall not feel sorry for self - I am a cool person, so what if I say so myself
- Shall not look suspiciously at person who gives compliments
- Shall not be cynical about people. Shall learn to make peace with the fact that people might actually be nice!
- Shall stop looking for man. When I stop looking, I will find him!
And some more…
The report card sadly, doesn’t make for a very pretty picture! :(
1. I think I look even more “before” of a Before-after campaign than I did any time before. Which is really not my fault, I mean when we don’t refer to some absolute time, then it becomes tough!
2. Lady like qualities remains elusive! In fact, I am like Scarlett O’Hara who says, ‘Someday I shall be a lady!’. It has to wait for few more birthdays I think! (She didn’t manage after a 1000 something pages, it took a sequel) :)
3. Bank-balance has shown alarming depletion. The more I try to save, the more I end up spending. It’s a strange economic phenomenon, which I need to observe carefully!
4. Well I don’t mean to do voodoo and curse people, but have found that it remains cathartic
5. Is sarcasm an art form I wonder? But, I didn’t learn it just now did I, just the experience curve catching up! :)
6. Tried being nice about ‘significant interest’s’ love interest, but eventually sour grapes are what I like best! And that explains the chocolate, to overcome the bad after-taste! :)
7. Have stopped looking for man, but trouble comes looking for you and how does one avoid it when you have a masochistic streak that is a mile long!
8. And you can imagine, all of the others don’t look pretty too…
Along more positive lines…
- I got a promotion this year! (Which I would have to, given my sheer virtue of having hung around in an industry with high employee iteration!)
- Bought a car this year (Of course, got it home is more like it, with 2 years of EMI looming large!)
- Started a Blog (even if saying that confirms some people’s opinion that I am a loser), but its been mostly fun barring minor irritants. I have enjoyed all the things that I have told her till now! :)
- I have re-discovered the joys of reading poetry
So not so bad after all and in this rare flash of positive thinking and the like says, “there is only one way to go from here!” :)
So, will set myself the same set of lofty goals of monumental change in personality and the like…
While on birthdays, I have always had very mixed feelings about the fact that it fell on a National holiday.
Till I was 12 years old, I loved it! I loved the fact that right after the Flag Hoisting and the march past, when all of us sang with much feeling, ‘Hindi hai Hum, Vatan Hai… Hindustan hamara. Sare Jahan…’ (Without quite understanding what it really meant, but feeling that slight lump in throat) the Principal would announce ‘Smug Bug of class IV B is celebrating her birthday today and we must all sing for her.’ I felt very important as the teachers would all wish me, as would all the students, and the didi’s would come and lovingly pull chubby cheeks!
Then you grow up and turn 13. You hate the world. You hate puppy fat. And you hate the silly Didis and the Bhaiyas (You will claim to hate them at any rate! Gah! Hormones!) :)
Needless to say I grew up all my life hearing the most lame jokes (?!) and surprisingly it still continue! :)
… Ah so that was the day you got independence, eh! *Followed by guffaws*
The first time I heard it, I thought it was clever even (please I must have been 8 and had barely understood the freedom notion). Then I heard it and found it mildly amusing. Then it just got irritating and I plastered smile on face. Now, when people don’t tell me that, I wonder if they have forgotten our date with history?! [I think there was a Youth Survey, which happened some years back, where many kids apparently claimed to not know when I-Day was and while I am sure the particular research was ‘tweaked’, but one never knows]
… Ah so everyone gets Samosas and Jalebis on your birthday, no treat na! *Oh I just said something so clever look*
Of course, this was in the times when I studied in schools in small towns of North India. Where the hoisting was followed by Samosas, Jalbei and Rasna! :) I used to think that was the high point. These days, I am not sure that it happens. In fact, most schools hoist their flags a day before. [On the I-Day of a certain neighbour as is often pointed out by the Upholdres of Nationhood!]
… So, will you watch the march past to celebrate birthday? *Oh I am so super-witty look*
I think, people get confused between R-Day and I-Day at times! :)
Anyway, I used to tell them, ‘Na, I will watch Gandhi on DD Metro!’
I think Attenbrough’s genius has been replaced now by the more popular culture cinema of Hum Tum and the like. And if we must get nationalist then it had better be Swades and Lagaan! Ah, the quest for TRP’s! And while, MKG remains my favourite Gandhi, all his ‘failings’ notwithstanding, I think these days I like this mish-mash of pop nationalism! So, Mangal Pandey it shall be this year! :)
Of course, one of the many good things about celebrating birthday on a National holiday is that at least you are no doing the corpo-slob routine!
And of course, there are many many happy memories, like everybody has I suppose…
Like a few years back when Pepsi launched itself in India (Remo Fernandes and Juhi Chawla featuring in the ad remember?) they did so on I-Day (don’t know if they had a symbolic meaning behind that). They asked all those born on I-Day to send across a copy of birth certificate for a surprise gift. It was very exciting, I think I still have that T-shirt somewhere, which says, “Me and Pepsi, born on 15th of August”. A few years down the line, when the pesticide scandal happened, then you put it away somewhere for fear of being seen as an Anti-National! :)
And of course, all my life I grew up with my dad waking me up and telling me, ‘Many happy Returns of the day!’ and giving me two candies (which I would hold on to for dear life, till temptation got the better of me). Of course, I always wondered, why didn’t my parents tell me just Happy Birthday! But, I almost always woke up with a silly smile when I heard that. I think I still do… I still remain this over-grown child!
Well too many memories and a Blog Post hardly does it any justice, but hopefully this year will add some more.
And of course, this year might just be the year! For our beloved nation and me too! :)
Happy Independence Day People, and enjoy the weekend!
Time-Out!
To be honest, I am too busy to write anything now… but the comments on my rather innocuous last post is getting too ugly, and I am tired of deleting them.
I am tired of forever defending myself…
Am I a loser?
Don’t I have a life?
Am I lesbian?
Am I trying to get female attention?
Am I trying to get male attention?
If I answer them – then I am rationalizing and thereby admitting to all of the accusations.
If I ignore them/ delete them – then I am in denial, which as we all know is a powerful tool.
And while, it doesn’t impact my life in anyway beyond being minor irritant, but I am tired of playing Hawk (Bad Word) on my Blog. I mean, I DO have a life outside the WWW.
Then of course, my mom reads my Blog you know! As do many of my friends and family, so it most certainly doesn’t feel good to read comments like this… Not that they will love me any more or any less because of people who leave me comments, but it just seems wrong, because at some level they are hurt/ curious.
And while in my mind there is no doubt who the “loser” is, I am not really interested in taking any kind of moral high ground.
So, please – come and read my Blog if you wish to and ignore it otherwise. Leave comments if you feel like, but if you have nothing to say, then pray don’t say it! We will all live happily either ways!
And Blogs are hardly meant to be taken so seriously! Isn’t it? After all, the ‘real’ people/ purpose in our life, ought to be given priority…
So peace!
:)
I am tired of forever defending myself…
Am I a loser?
Don’t I have a life?
Am I lesbian?
Am I trying to get female attention?
Am I trying to get male attention?
If I answer them – then I am rationalizing and thereby admitting to all of the accusations.
If I ignore them/ delete them – then I am in denial, which as we all know is a powerful tool.
And while, it doesn’t impact my life in anyway beyond being minor irritant, but I am tired of playing Hawk (Bad Word) on my Blog. I mean, I DO have a life outside the WWW.
Then of course, my mom reads my Blog you know! As do many of my friends and family, so it most certainly doesn’t feel good to read comments like this… Not that they will love me any more or any less because of people who leave me comments, but it just seems wrong, because at some level they are hurt/ curious.
And while in my mind there is no doubt who the “loser” is, I am not really interested in taking any kind of moral high ground.
So, please – come and read my Blog if you wish to and ignore it otherwise. Leave comments if you feel like, but if you have nothing to say, then pray don’t say it! We will all live happily either ways!
And Blogs are hardly meant to be taken so seriously! Isn’t it? After all, the ‘real’ people/ purpose in our life, ought to be given priority…
So peace!
:)
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Show me the Money...
I had thought the last time that I posted on Blogs; I ought to not do any more posts on the same! But since then, many things have changed hands viz. money, hearts, insults, blah, etc. so here I am doing just that.
Also, as our favourite celebrity Blogger aka eM gets featured on Prime Time Television, one can begin to approximate that the bits and bytes that Blogging is dedicated to is for a reason after all.
One of my company’s client tells me, in this moment of incisive marketing trend spotting, that Blogs and Coffee Pubs are the places where a ‘lot can happen’. Total hogwash in my opinion! I mean, I have been having coffee forever and pitifully little has happened since, well… forever!
But, coming back to this Blogging Business, I must admit that I can’t live on a niche audience and a few comments from loving friends, family and some strangers alone to keep me interested in this medium. After all, to keep the kitchen fires burning et al remains priority, so given that, I have decided to come out with a revenue model around this Blogging, so that I can become a Blog millionaire or some such.
My good friend, Ossie has very sweetly agreed to be part of my venture. Sweet na, Friends and Faith are such fine inventions! :)
Now, a lot of people take their Blogs very seriously, is a good thing too! The more serious one is about Blogging, the more can be the revenues that can be generated through it. You know, the typical Economics thingie, which says that its desire and not availability that creates demand!
You know the Malcolm Gladwell notion of the “tipping point” can go very nicely with this Blog Revenue Model creation. Now considering how well read all my readers tend to be *Ahem Ahem*, I shall not get into much gory details about his ‘revolutionary’ stance. But suffice to say; he suggests that the best way to understand the emergence of trends or the sudden spread of an idea is to think of them as ‘epidemics’. Epidemics are marked by three characteristics:
…That they are contagious,
…That little causes can have big effects
…And that changes happen not gradually but at one dramatic moment.
It is this idea of radical change that is at the crux of the concept of ‘Tipping Point’. And that is what of course is what modern day Marketing Pundits swear by at any rate!
And the tools, hence to bring about such social change would be:
The Law of the Few focuses on the people who transmit these ideas and behaviours. Certain ideas become epidemics because they are dependent on people ‘with a particular and rare set of social gifts’ as in basically the Blog Divas and Dudes (I am unable to think of appropriate equivalent to Diva for male)
The Stickiness factor suggests that in order to spark epidemics, ideas have to be memorable and should have the capacity to move us to action. It suggests that even a slight restructuring of information and the way it is presented can make a big difference in how memorable the message will be (and this is where much of the revenues can be generated).
The Power of Context is based on the premise that people are extremely sensitive to changes in context and hence an epidemic can be tipped by attention to the small details in the immediate environment (basically create hype and hoopla around stuff where none was deserved to begin with!).
Now that the tough theoretical mumbo-jumbo is out of the way, giving my revenue model the much-needed semblance of authority let me detail out my proposition.
Essentially, we (yes, this would be a collective effort of like-minded individuals who have given up all hope of Corporate Nirvana and rightly so too!) would help in the following manner:
- Create ‘buzz’ factor around your Blog
- Help to create interest once ‘buzz’ has been created through content and other help
- Help to overcome typical Blog Hazards viz. Stalkers, Writer’s Block, Copyright violation issues, etc.
- Help in ensuring that Blog can plug higher order need-gaps viz. Romance, Sex, Hate (basically create theme Blogs)
- And of course many many more
So, how does Bloggle Point work? (And please to not cringe, do recommend if you have any other names. The same shall be put through some consumer research Focus Group Discussions and will be finalized)
Well it will provide a whole host of services that you could use, so as to make you a better Blogger and have a Better Blog and eventually a more with-it handle.
Just as a sneak preview, here are few of our services
- Inflating your Stat Hit Counter: This is the simplest thing in the world. We will have a software that will automatically go click on your Blog and view multiple pages after a said interval. The number of Clicks will vary according to the amount you are willing to pay and the Blogger will be charged a Click-through-Rate. This is of course, our most basic service. We could vary this according to your requirement. For example, if you also have one of those fancy tools on your page which tell you which part of the world your visitor is from, we can ensure that we get: a geographical spread or a geographical skew (for instance if you want to show that you have a great number of readers from the Bahamas, we can take care of that too). Needless, to say, this would come at a premium. We will have servers located in multiple geographies and ensure that you get the hits as it were.
- Ensuring Large Number of Comments: This is of course, a higher-order service. We can charge you either as per every comment / as a package (say 20 comments, 30, 100, and so on). Now, there will be differential cost not just basis the number of comments but also the content of the comments. Broadly, these are the kind of comments we will have:
… “Hey came here don’t know how, interesting space/ Interesting Blog/ Interesting/ WoW/ Cool etc” would be the cheapest (For every complimentary word we use, shall increase your costs)
… “How cool, can I add you to my Blogroll?” will come at a premium of course!
…If the comment has to be totally unrelated to the post then we will do it dirt-cheap. For eg: This post on Post Modernism reminds me of that Erich Segal novel blah…
… If the comment has to be an intelligent take on the post then well it comes at a huge premium. Here our panel of commenters, who do nothing but read Blogs all day, will need to leave you a comment, so you know… A variation of this, we can also leave comments on your behalf on other Blogs!
- Get you Plugs on Blogs: Now, nothing like saying 350 pages link to this Blog. This is of course, a tough service you know and can be offered in two ways. One is that we will have Dummy Blogs, which will link you and make it seem like loads of people are linking to you. You can imagine, that is not easy at all, for not only do we need to make an effort to keep this Dummy Blog updated, we have to also ensure that people visit this Dummy Blog and which will in turn get them to yours! We will charge you depending on your position on this Blogroll and the frequency of updates of the Dummy Blog. We can customize it for you, if you want all 18-22 year old females in New Delhi to link to your Blog, we can arrange for that. However, the more number of variables you add, the costs will go up.
- The Diva/Dude Connection: Admittedly the best way to get noticed is to actually get comments from and be Blogrolled/Plugged by the right people (The law of few, remember). Now, we will recruit a panel of pre-eminent celebrity Bloggers as consultants who work with us. If you are willing to pay an exorbitant sum of money we can arrange for them leaving you comments on your Blog. You being on their Blogroll/ or getting a Plug is a hugely premium service. So, how will this work? We will get a list of all our Diva/Dude Consultants and assign them a rating A+, A and A-, this would be in descending order of Divaness. Obviously the costs will be directly proportionate to the quantum increase in Divaness. Now, if you want a comment from eM and she refuses to be part of our panel, then we will try to work around it. We might use extortion and blackmail for instance. If all fails we might create a duplicate, say Em and so on.
- Blog Content Outsourcing: Yes, can be done too. You will need to fill a questionnaire, in which you will need to list down tick all the topics that interest you and the ones that are a no-no. You will also be asked to tick on number of words, humour type preferred, font, style, outbound links etc. We will have a panel of ghost-writers who will do that for you. Depending on the complexity/ novelty of topic we will charge you. For instance, if you want to Blog on Mamta Banerjee’s recent outburst in the Parliament it might come at a huge premium. If it’s a review of the HBP then depending on how soon after the book release you posted it, the rates would have varied. If you want a post lamenting on the ‘lack of life/man/woman/etc.’ we will do it dirt cheap. The learning curve you see…
Besides, the content we can help you with other paraphernalia like photos that you can pass of as your own, cool links, song lyrics, poetry, etc.
- Theme Blogs: We can also create theme blogs for you. For instance, “The Hater of certain species of Bird”. We could maintain many links and have frequent updates and re-hash same thing over and over again to create a buzz.
Have a crush on someone, don’t know what to do? In throes of deep unrequited passion? Fret not, fret not! Because Bloggle Aunt is here to set it right for you. She will create handle for you, post moony and love-sick poetry and the like. Focused loving comments will be left on tormenters page at regular intervals.
In the same vein, we would have Hate Blogs, Blah Blogs etc…
-Kill the Stalker Help Group: This will by far be the most important service that we will offer. This is really to cope/ get rid of those pesky people who will leave you comments at alarmingly regular intervals and run a hate campaign against you. This service, will follow a very systematic approach:
1) It will help you make sense of the comments, with the help of our grammar experts and if necessary get the people who cracked the Da Vinci Code involved
2) We will then through a mapping analysis place these commenter into various quadrants depending on mild to high levels of irritation
3) We will create software that will: delete their comments automatically, track them down, track them down and launch a virus into their computers, etc.
4) We will form SHG (Self Help Group) like Certain Species of Birds/ Animals Haters Anonymous, which will meet at regular intervals to strategize and help one cope the deep-rooted psychological trauma which these commenters inflict upon you
And I could go on forever; the possibility as they say is indeed endless! Of course, the modalities of the same and the detailing will be done when the top management meets, which will happen when of course the top management is recruited. So, all you wonderful Bloggers and Non Bloggers do join this powerful movement and who knows, this might be the next big idea that grew from a garage. Okay, not garage may be, but whatever…
Unrelated, I am wondering… Why is that people who ‘claim’ to hate us, obsess about us so much? They sure don’t make hate, the way they used to! :)
Also, as our favourite celebrity Blogger aka eM gets featured on Prime Time Television, one can begin to approximate that the bits and bytes that Blogging is dedicated to is for a reason after all.
One of my company’s client tells me, in this moment of incisive marketing trend spotting, that Blogs and Coffee Pubs are the places where a ‘lot can happen’. Total hogwash in my opinion! I mean, I have been having coffee forever and pitifully little has happened since, well… forever!
But, coming back to this Blogging Business, I must admit that I can’t live on a niche audience and a few comments from loving friends, family and some strangers alone to keep me interested in this medium. After all, to keep the kitchen fires burning et al remains priority, so given that, I have decided to come out with a revenue model around this Blogging, so that I can become a Blog millionaire or some such.
My good friend, Ossie has very sweetly agreed to be part of my venture. Sweet na, Friends and Faith are such fine inventions! :)
Now, a lot of people take their Blogs very seriously, is a good thing too! The more serious one is about Blogging, the more can be the revenues that can be generated through it. You know, the typical Economics thingie, which says that its desire and not availability that creates demand!
You know the Malcolm Gladwell notion of the “tipping point” can go very nicely with this Blog Revenue Model creation. Now considering how well read all my readers tend to be *Ahem Ahem*, I shall not get into much gory details about his ‘revolutionary’ stance. But suffice to say; he suggests that the best way to understand the emergence of trends or the sudden spread of an idea is to think of them as ‘epidemics’. Epidemics are marked by three characteristics:
…That they are contagious,
…That little causes can have big effects
…And that changes happen not gradually but at one dramatic moment.
It is this idea of radical change that is at the crux of the concept of ‘Tipping Point’. And that is what of course is what modern day Marketing Pundits swear by at any rate!
And the tools, hence to bring about such social change would be:
The Law of the Few focuses on the people who transmit these ideas and behaviours. Certain ideas become epidemics because they are dependent on people ‘with a particular and rare set of social gifts’ as in basically the Blog Divas and Dudes (I am unable to think of appropriate equivalent to Diva for male)
The Stickiness factor suggests that in order to spark epidemics, ideas have to be memorable and should have the capacity to move us to action. It suggests that even a slight restructuring of information and the way it is presented can make a big difference in how memorable the message will be (and this is where much of the revenues can be generated).
The Power of Context is based on the premise that people are extremely sensitive to changes in context and hence an epidemic can be tipped by attention to the small details in the immediate environment (basically create hype and hoopla around stuff where none was deserved to begin with!).
Now that the tough theoretical mumbo-jumbo is out of the way, giving my revenue model the much-needed semblance of authority let me detail out my proposition.
Essentially, we (yes, this would be a collective effort of like-minded individuals who have given up all hope of Corporate Nirvana and rightly so too!) would help in the following manner:
- Create ‘buzz’ factor around your Blog
- Help to create interest once ‘buzz’ has been created through content and other help
- Help to overcome typical Blog Hazards viz. Stalkers, Writer’s Block, Copyright violation issues, etc.
- Help in ensuring that Blog can plug higher order need-gaps viz. Romance, Sex, Hate (basically create theme Blogs)
- And of course many many more
So, how does Bloggle Point work? (And please to not cringe, do recommend if you have any other names. The same shall be put through some consumer research Focus Group Discussions and will be finalized)
Well it will provide a whole host of services that you could use, so as to make you a better Blogger and have a Better Blog and eventually a more with-it handle.
Just as a sneak preview, here are few of our services
- Inflating your Stat Hit Counter: This is the simplest thing in the world. We will have a software that will automatically go click on your Blog and view multiple pages after a said interval. The number of Clicks will vary according to the amount you are willing to pay and the Blogger will be charged a Click-through-Rate. This is of course, our most basic service. We could vary this according to your requirement. For example, if you also have one of those fancy tools on your page which tell you which part of the world your visitor is from, we can ensure that we get: a geographical spread or a geographical skew (for instance if you want to show that you have a great number of readers from the Bahamas, we can take care of that too). Needless, to say, this would come at a premium. We will have servers located in multiple geographies and ensure that you get the hits as it were.
- Ensuring Large Number of Comments: This is of course, a higher-order service. We can charge you either as per every comment / as a package (say 20 comments, 30, 100, and so on). Now, there will be differential cost not just basis the number of comments but also the content of the comments. Broadly, these are the kind of comments we will have:
… “Hey came here don’t know how, interesting space/ Interesting Blog/ Interesting/ WoW/ Cool etc” would be the cheapest (For every complimentary word we use, shall increase your costs)
… “How cool, can I add you to my Blogroll?” will come at a premium of course!
…If the comment has to be totally unrelated to the post then we will do it dirt-cheap. For eg: This post on Post Modernism reminds me of that Erich Segal novel blah…
… If the comment has to be an intelligent take on the post then well it comes at a huge premium. Here our panel of commenters, who do nothing but read Blogs all day, will need to leave you a comment, so you know… A variation of this, we can also leave comments on your behalf on other Blogs!
- Get you Plugs on Blogs: Now, nothing like saying 350 pages link to this Blog. This is of course, a tough service you know and can be offered in two ways. One is that we will have Dummy Blogs, which will link you and make it seem like loads of people are linking to you. You can imagine, that is not easy at all, for not only do we need to make an effort to keep this Dummy Blog updated, we have to also ensure that people visit this Dummy Blog and which will in turn get them to yours! We will charge you depending on your position on this Blogroll and the frequency of updates of the Dummy Blog. We can customize it for you, if you want all 18-22 year old females in New Delhi to link to your Blog, we can arrange for that. However, the more number of variables you add, the costs will go up.
- The Diva/Dude Connection: Admittedly the best way to get noticed is to actually get comments from and be Blogrolled/Plugged by the right people (The law of few, remember). Now, we will recruit a panel of pre-eminent celebrity Bloggers as consultants who work with us. If you are willing to pay an exorbitant sum of money we can arrange for them leaving you comments on your Blog. You being on their Blogroll/ or getting a Plug is a hugely premium service. So, how will this work? We will get a list of all our Diva/Dude Consultants and assign them a rating A+, A and A-, this would be in descending order of Divaness. Obviously the costs will be directly proportionate to the quantum increase in Divaness. Now, if you want a comment from eM and she refuses to be part of our panel, then we will try to work around it. We might use extortion and blackmail for instance. If all fails we might create a duplicate, say Em and so on.
- Blog Content Outsourcing: Yes, can be done too. You will need to fill a questionnaire, in which you will need to list down tick all the topics that interest you and the ones that are a no-no. You will also be asked to tick on number of words, humour type preferred, font, style, outbound links etc. We will have a panel of ghost-writers who will do that for you. Depending on the complexity/ novelty of topic we will charge you. For instance, if you want to Blog on Mamta Banerjee’s recent outburst in the Parliament it might come at a huge premium. If it’s a review of the HBP then depending on how soon after the book release you posted it, the rates would have varied. If you want a post lamenting on the ‘lack of life/man/woman/etc.’ we will do it dirt cheap. The learning curve you see…
Besides, the content we can help you with other paraphernalia like photos that you can pass of as your own, cool links, song lyrics, poetry, etc.
- Theme Blogs: We can also create theme blogs for you. For instance, “The Hater of certain species of Bird”. We could maintain many links and have frequent updates and re-hash same thing over and over again to create a buzz.
Have a crush on someone, don’t know what to do? In throes of deep unrequited passion? Fret not, fret not! Because Bloggle Aunt is here to set it right for you. She will create handle for you, post moony and love-sick poetry and the like. Focused loving comments will be left on tormenters page at regular intervals.
In the same vein, we would have Hate Blogs, Blah Blogs etc…
-Kill the Stalker Help Group: This will by far be the most important service that we will offer. This is really to cope/ get rid of those pesky people who will leave you comments at alarmingly regular intervals and run a hate campaign against you. This service, will follow a very systematic approach:
1) It will help you make sense of the comments, with the help of our grammar experts and if necessary get the people who cracked the Da Vinci Code involved
2) We will then through a mapping analysis place these commenter into various quadrants depending on mild to high levels of irritation
3) We will create software that will: delete their comments automatically, track them down, track them down and launch a virus into their computers, etc.
4) We will form SHG (Self Help Group) like Certain Species of Birds/ Animals Haters Anonymous, which will meet at regular intervals to strategize and help one cope the deep-rooted psychological trauma which these commenters inflict upon you
And I could go on forever; the possibility as they say is indeed endless! Of course, the modalities of the same and the detailing will be done when the top management meets, which will happen when of course the top management is recruited. So, all you wonderful Bloggers and Non Bloggers do join this powerful movement and who knows, this might be the next big idea that grew from a garage. Okay, not garage may be, but whatever…
Unrelated, I am wondering… Why is that people who ‘claim’ to hate us, obsess about us so much? They sure don’t make hate, the way they used to! :)
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Mere Pass Maa Hai...
After my promise to get back to worthier causes, I am back with a new set of inanities, albeit more pleasant. Not like I have much to say, but like a friend always tells me, ‘And that is a problem since when?!’. I am sure I ought to read between the lines in this one, but I will leave that for some other time. And besides there is that new trip of mine, which says, ‘Will be nice to all and sundry!’. Okay may not sundry? And not may be all the time? Okay not necessarily ‘will’, but most certainly ‘try’. So, there.
Finally, it’s August and a very good one too, with three long weekends coming up (at least if you work for a secular/Nationalist type organization such as mine). That is what I love about our multi-faith country, so many holidays! Okay, that might sound shallow given the greater purpose of nationhood and religion and all of that, but what the hell. Long weekends mean loads of potential to plan stuff. (Anyway, what is that they say about Dreams being nicer inside our heads?)
But anyway, I love the month of August; there is a great sense of things ‘potentially’ looking up. You know half the year gone, a couple of months to Diwali, four more months to Christmas, five more months to New Year, six more months to Valentine’s Day, etc. The weather also seems nicer and one has been lulled into a sense of numbness, as in it is too late to be making new plans and too early to be making some more new plans. All very nice as I merge into wall-paper.
So, here I was sort of, sauntering from work and back, doing the usual Corpo-Slob routine and attempting to crash the Glass ceiling super quick that my mom suddenly tries to infuse some much needed ‘cheer’ into my life.
You know that your life has totally degenerated, the day your mom tells you something that might sound like, ‘Don’t you have a life?’ Total rock-bottom stuff! When she asks you, why you spending week-ends at home instead of being ‘out-there’ ‘doing whatever young people do’, you can do nothing but stare at her speechless.
Now, my mom like all the moms of the world is the best and is a very nice, sweet and progressive lady. But the problems with moms are that they believe that all problems that a lot of times faced by their daughters are owing to one of the two:
1) It is because of the Husband man
2) It is because there is no Husband man
Now, if mom thinks it is the first problem, depending on the type of woman she is, she will handle the situation:
• Gentle types will advice daughter lovingly about the how marriages are about compromise, meeting half way, blah blah
• Practical types will talk about the Sound Economics involved in staying married with Husband man as opposed to eating out of retired Daddy’s pension
• The feminist types will get in touch with lawyers
I don’t think this third type of mom exists in our mom’s generation. Or make that my mom’s generation, for I have no clue if we are the same generation. Oooh, I am lost in that sentence anyway.
Now, having problem with Husband Man is not good, much tragedy and all of that. I mean, please once you get used to this dual-world notion, then being single types I suppose must be tough.
However, bigger tragedy is when mom suddenly decides that Husband Man is answer to all of dear daughter’s problems. Bless poor, hapless, helpless daughter.
I think my mom ought to have been in politics, she would have got a government in Bihar and PoK even. But, sadly she has never expressed any desire to go that way; else I could have been the next in line given general dynasty type fixation that our collective psyche is so used to by now!
But, let me not digress…
So, anyway here I was at home on Saturday morning, having rented some half a dozen movies that I wanted to see that my mom surveyed me most critically. She then came up to me and asked me the most dreaded question, ‘So what are your weekend plans?’
I pored over the TV programme listings, hoping she would get the hint through my non-verbal cues. But, I could see she was waiting for an answer. So, I looked at my toes and in sudden inspiration said, ‘I need waxing, pedicure. I will go to beauty parlour’. I think, my mom thought that was a good starting point, I could see that from her smug type smile. Anyway, as I was leaving she tells me, ‘Remember S Aunty, from Vasant Kunj. Remember the son?’. Major type alarm bells start ringing, and ringing real loud, they ring so loud that I can barely hear my mom.
Me: Ya, that thin boy with thick glasses?
Mom: *Waves hand most artistically* Pooh Paah. That was 8 years ago; remember what you looked like than?!
Me: *Shudder, see mom is most cruel person* Well, what about him?
Mom: Well he and S Aunty are in Chennai today and coming home for dinner.
Me: *Good try mom* Well, me and B are going out this evening and may be we will catch a movie.
Mom: What movie?
Me: I don’t know ma. May be Batman Returns.
Mom: Haven’t you seen the movie half a dozen times already.
Me: Please mom, don’t exaggerate, just 4 times.
Mom: You have to be here today, there are no two ways about that.
Me: Ma, B will be furious *B doesn’t know that we have a plan, but well*
Mom: I will speak with B
So, Round 1 to Mom. Also last word to mom, ‘May be get a facial done.’
So, after some 4 hours of self-indulgence and 3.5 K poorer I felt very very beautiful. But trust my mom to be spoilt-sport, first comment on my entering home, ‘You have to go back again is it?’. Bah! Mom, Haircut, can’t you see? How can you miss my superbly cool blow-dried hair? *Sigh* Time to watch some Colin Firth aka Darcy and drown sorrows into some high calorie snack.
So, while I am watching Darcy be the smug type and say how Ms Bennett wasn’t handsome enough to tempt him, mom appears hovering around me again. Some throat type clearing she does. Bad, bad sign that…
Mom: So, why don’t you switch off the TV and go get changed?
Me: Ma, is this about TBTG (Thin Boy with Thick Glasses, in case you are wondering)
Mom: Well, it’s not what you think. You know how I always let you do what you want to.
Me: *Dangerous* Ummm
Mom: Well, S Aunty and TBTG are in town to meet some girls. You know they put an ad in The Hindu and K Aunty said that they got 567 replies
Me: *Goody for TBTG, God’s gift to womankind* Ma, what are you saying? That I become number 568? Really mom?! How can I have anything to do with a man who needs to take out an ad in the newspaper?
Mom: Why, what’s wrong with that. 80% of people get married like that. And The Hindu is an excellent newspaper.
Me: Ma, we are not discussing Editorial Content. We are talking about Classifieds, which are the same no matter which newspaper. And besides, I am sure even The Hindu doesn’t run an IQ/EQ/Interesting Quotient test on people who want to place ads like,
‘Wanted for Handsome, Very fair, Teetotaler, Religious, Plays Squash Ivy League MBA, IIT boy in India for 2.5 days only. Presently in West Coast, Green Card being processed – Bride who is fair, slim, tall, accomplished, well-educated, interested in fine arts, modern arts, god fearing, homely, status family. Please respond with 9 photographs, taken along the angles specified…Blah Blah’
Mom: You are so impossible! You should not make fun of people, who knows someday you might put an ad like that too!
Me: Ya, asking for a dog may be.
‘Wanted good-looking Dogs. Preference given to Golden Retrievers. Labradors can be considered if they are shiny black. Alsatians please excuse’
Mom: Oh, well such a pity. I will speak with S Aunty and warn her, wonder what she has told TBTG.
Me: Great idea now let me get back to P&P.
Mom on the phone with S Aunty.
Ya, I spoke with her. But, she doesn’t want to leave me and go to the USA you see, so far away. She is such an attached girl.
Ya, I understand. Sure. Next time do come home.
Yes, yes, you keep your BP in check too.
*Hehe, moms are so totally cool*
Me: So, what my prospective ma-in-law didn’t want to come after all.
Mom: Well, you do what you want. God only knows, what your generation is looking for? Nobody is good enough it seems, for you’ll.
Me: No, ma. You know one needs the right person, not the right time!
Mom: Huh
Me: Hmmm
Mom: How about Internet? Why G Aunty’s daughter fell in love and found husband in Austria.
Me: Mom?!
Mom: Okay, do what you want. Why don’t you at least comb your hair once in 3 days?
Me: *Sigh*
Sunday morning mom asks me, ‘What, no new Blogs?’
Yes, life is degenerating and I love it.
Time to get the dog home!
Finally, it’s August and a very good one too, with three long weekends coming up (at least if you work for a secular/Nationalist type organization such as mine). That is what I love about our multi-faith country, so many holidays! Okay, that might sound shallow given the greater purpose of nationhood and religion and all of that, but what the hell. Long weekends mean loads of potential to plan stuff. (Anyway, what is that they say about Dreams being nicer inside our heads?)
But anyway, I love the month of August; there is a great sense of things ‘potentially’ looking up. You know half the year gone, a couple of months to Diwali, four more months to Christmas, five more months to New Year, six more months to Valentine’s Day, etc. The weather also seems nicer and one has been lulled into a sense of numbness, as in it is too late to be making new plans and too early to be making some more new plans. All very nice as I merge into wall-paper.
So, here I was sort of, sauntering from work and back, doing the usual Corpo-Slob routine and attempting to crash the Glass ceiling super quick that my mom suddenly tries to infuse some much needed ‘cheer’ into my life.
You know that your life has totally degenerated, the day your mom tells you something that might sound like, ‘Don’t you have a life?’ Total rock-bottom stuff! When she asks you, why you spending week-ends at home instead of being ‘out-there’ ‘doing whatever young people do’, you can do nothing but stare at her speechless.
Now, my mom like all the moms of the world is the best and is a very nice, sweet and progressive lady. But the problems with moms are that they believe that all problems that a lot of times faced by their daughters are owing to one of the two:
1) It is because of the Husband man
2) It is because there is no Husband man
Now, if mom thinks it is the first problem, depending on the type of woman she is, she will handle the situation:
• Gentle types will advice daughter lovingly about the how marriages are about compromise, meeting half way, blah blah
• Practical types will talk about the Sound Economics involved in staying married with Husband man as opposed to eating out of retired Daddy’s pension
• The feminist types will get in touch with lawyers
I don’t think this third type of mom exists in our mom’s generation. Or make that my mom’s generation, for I have no clue if we are the same generation. Oooh, I am lost in that sentence anyway.
Now, having problem with Husband Man is not good, much tragedy and all of that. I mean, please once you get used to this dual-world notion, then being single types I suppose must be tough.
However, bigger tragedy is when mom suddenly decides that Husband Man is answer to all of dear daughter’s problems. Bless poor, hapless, helpless daughter.
I think my mom ought to have been in politics, she would have got a government in Bihar and PoK even. But, sadly she has never expressed any desire to go that way; else I could have been the next in line given general dynasty type fixation that our collective psyche is so used to by now!
But, let me not digress…
So, anyway here I was at home on Saturday morning, having rented some half a dozen movies that I wanted to see that my mom surveyed me most critically. She then came up to me and asked me the most dreaded question, ‘So what are your weekend plans?’
I pored over the TV programme listings, hoping she would get the hint through my non-verbal cues. But, I could see she was waiting for an answer. So, I looked at my toes and in sudden inspiration said, ‘I need waxing, pedicure. I will go to beauty parlour’. I think, my mom thought that was a good starting point, I could see that from her smug type smile. Anyway, as I was leaving she tells me, ‘Remember S Aunty, from Vasant Kunj. Remember the son?’. Major type alarm bells start ringing, and ringing real loud, they ring so loud that I can barely hear my mom.
Me: Ya, that thin boy with thick glasses?
Mom: *Waves hand most artistically* Pooh Paah. That was 8 years ago; remember what you looked like than?!
Me: *Shudder, see mom is most cruel person* Well, what about him?
Mom: Well he and S Aunty are in Chennai today and coming home for dinner.
Me: *Good try mom* Well, me and B are going out this evening and may be we will catch a movie.
Mom: What movie?
Me: I don’t know ma. May be Batman Returns.
Mom: Haven’t you seen the movie half a dozen times already.
Me: Please mom, don’t exaggerate, just 4 times.
Mom: You have to be here today, there are no two ways about that.
Me: Ma, B will be furious *B doesn’t know that we have a plan, but well*
Mom: I will speak with B
So, Round 1 to Mom. Also last word to mom, ‘May be get a facial done.’
So, after some 4 hours of self-indulgence and 3.5 K poorer I felt very very beautiful. But trust my mom to be spoilt-sport, first comment on my entering home, ‘You have to go back again is it?’. Bah! Mom, Haircut, can’t you see? How can you miss my superbly cool blow-dried hair? *Sigh* Time to watch some Colin Firth aka Darcy and drown sorrows into some high calorie snack.
So, while I am watching Darcy be the smug type and say how Ms Bennett wasn’t handsome enough to tempt him, mom appears hovering around me again. Some throat type clearing she does. Bad, bad sign that…
Mom: So, why don’t you switch off the TV and go get changed?
Me: Ma, is this about TBTG (Thin Boy with Thick Glasses, in case you are wondering)
Mom: Well, it’s not what you think. You know how I always let you do what you want to.
Me: *Dangerous* Ummm
Mom: Well, S Aunty and TBTG are in town to meet some girls. You know they put an ad in The Hindu and K Aunty said that they got 567 replies
Me: *Goody for TBTG, God’s gift to womankind* Ma, what are you saying? That I become number 568? Really mom?! How can I have anything to do with a man who needs to take out an ad in the newspaper?
Mom: Why, what’s wrong with that. 80% of people get married like that. And The Hindu is an excellent newspaper.
Me: Ma, we are not discussing Editorial Content. We are talking about Classifieds, which are the same no matter which newspaper. And besides, I am sure even The Hindu doesn’t run an IQ/EQ/Interesting Quotient test on people who want to place ads like,
‘Wanted for Handsome, Very fair, Teetotaler, Religious, Plays Squash Ivy League MBA, IIT boy in India for 2.5 days only. Presently in West Coast, Green Card being processed – Bride who is fair, slim, tall, accomplished, well-educated, interested in fine arts, modern arts, god fearing, homely, status family. Please respond with 9 photographs, taken along the angles specified…Blah Blah’
Mom: You are so impossible! You should not make fun of people, who knows someday you might put an ad like that too!
Me: Ya, asking for a dog may be.
‘Wanted good-looking Dogs. Preference given to Golden Retrievers. Labradors can be considered if they are shiny black. Alsatians please excuse’
Mom: Oh, well such a pity. I will speak with S Aunty and warn her, wonder what she has told TBTG.
Me: Great idea now let me get back to P&P.
Mom on the phone with S Aunty.
Ya, I spoke with her. But, she doesn’t want to leave me and go to the USA you see, so far away. She is such an attached girl.
Ya, I understand. Sure. Next time do come home.
Yes, yes, you keep your BP in check too.
*Hehe, moms are so totally cool*
Me: So, what my prospective ma-in-law didn’t want to come after all.
Mom: Well, you do what you want. God only knows, what your generation is looking for? Nobody is good enough it seems, for you’ll.
Me: No, ma. You know one needs the right person, not the right time!
Mom: Huh
Me: Hmmm
Mom: How about Internet? Why G Aunty’s daughter fell in love and found husband in Austria.
Me: Mom?!
Mom: Okay, do what you want. Why don’t you at least comb your hair once in 3 days?
Me: *Sigh*
Sunday morning mom asks me, ‘What, no new Blogs?’
Yes, life is degenerating and I love it.
Time to get the dog home!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
